Realisation

I have to say I'm not looking forward to the school holidays. The town & parks are always full up with children to the point where I avoid them like the plague... oh yeah... that & the twins nursery is closed during the holidays so my days to myself are well & truely numbered for a few weeks!

I've had one of those awful "realisation" mornings.
1)my house was in such a mess that it could either be considered as 'modern art' or even burglers will be put off by thinking it had already been trashed!
2) I put on my comfy pair of jeans only to find that they are a tad on the 'snug' side... there goes todays confidence & self-esteem.
3) The twins Grandma is on holiday so I can't visit Fran & instead need to find something to wear the twins out.
4) I have so many sewing projects around me right now that I'm achieving nothing fast.

On the plus side... I think i've completed my logo for LisaGCreations & it's now live.. yay!

Is it Friday Yet???

Seriously....... I'm having a week from hell.

Monday: The twins go to nursery on a Monday & normally I can't wait as I get the whole day to myself. This week was a busy one. Instead of enjoying my time stitching up some lovely fabric bits I had to head to a supermarket & stock up on some essentials for the twins 2nd birthday party. I know that lots of mums would probably have all the arrangements done & dusted in plenty of time for their little angels birthdays but, well I'm not like those mums, I am Me & I don't have the time to organise what I'm going to wear of a day let alone a kids party. I won't bore you with my stresses of what to buy in the sodding supermarket but I did end up phoning a friend & for all of about 5 minutes this week I was calm!

Whilst unpacking shopping at home I started filtering my phone calls... don't you just love caller ID??? Then I realised my mum was supposed to be busy today & the fact that she was calling me was bad news. I took the call, my aunt had died. I was sad, I shed a tear but at the end of the day it was for the best, she was in a bad way & in a state that I wouldn't leave a family pet, let alone a relative. My mum had her other sister with her & that was fine, she was ok but I was in no mood to have the teary conversation that may have taken place if I wasn't a bit short with her on the phone. (sorry mum, love you to bits xx)

Tuesday: The twins 2nd birthday...sooooo exciting. I can't believe they're 2 already. The plan of the day is off to twins club for 10am, home by midday for lunch & by that time mum should be arriving, aka Nanna. The twins sleep from 1.30 to 3pm & then at 3.30 we're expecting visitors for a party :-)

We opened some gifts first thing & then headed down to breakfast. DH had already informed me that he wouldn't be home for the twins birthday because he had to work (shocker!). Getting Hannah dressed I suddenly noticed a little spot on the side of her head... blister style :-( Missy Moo has chicken pox. What a kick in the teeth that was. I had to text everyone who was coming to the party to let them know so that they could decide if they wanted to come or not. I called Nanna to let her know, she's going on holiday this weekend coming & doesn't want to get ill half way through. Totally understandable but we had spent the entire day with them on saturday so if exposure was an issue it was a bit late. Nanna is still coming... yay. 5 minutes later, Nanna isn't coming, well she is but.. Grandad is driving her over to give the twins their birthday gifts & then they're going.... shit, thats a big blow to my day!

I decide to get confirmation from the Dr with regards to the pox. I get a 10.40am appt with some dr or another as mine isn't in. Who cares, any dr can diagnose the pox. Anyway, it takes me the best part of an hour to get the twins in some clothes. Lumpy decides he's not wearing anything, it's a nightmare, I stay calm, try my best to just get on with it. When that doesn't work & I realise it's actually 10.40 & I'm still fighting with 2 kids & the buggy I resort to harsh measures... ignore the screaming, force them in the buggy & let it out the soor.

This is where the fun really begins.

I get the twins into dr's reception & the woman behind the counter is on the phone. "are they breathing? are they conscious?"... in my mind I'm thinking 'my god, phone an ambulance'. The receptionist phones a dr, explains that someone may have had a stoke, is breathing but not conscious & should she call 999... is that dumb arse question or what???? she goes back to the called & says to phone 999 but get this, the caller refuses & would rather wait for a dr to visit, even if it means waiting 30 minutes. I'm now thinking 'is this person for real... phone 999 you stupid fuckwit'. Anyway.. I just had to share that as I was in shock that it was actually happening! We get put in a side room, quarantine due to the possible pox. Now this room is like an emergency room in our dr's surgery. It has a bed, oxygen, masks & the defib machine. There are 2 kids books, oh thank god for that because in my rush to get out the house all I remembered was biscuits & water. Now think for a minute about the only things I said I remembered to bring with me & then think about what could possibly happen next... yes thats right... Lumpy did a poo. I have no nappies, no wipes, no nothing. Between them the twins managed to rip a page of one of the books, realise that the cupboard in there was metal & made a really good drum, especially when they both "played" it at the same time. I was having some serious cabin fever by this time, it was hot too & I had 2 year old twins that didn't want to be shut in a room smaller than our bathroom without cBeebies to entertain them. I even called DH & practically begged him to get me out of this room somehow, his best suggestion was to take the twins outside the surgery to wait for a bit.. you know... by the road... twat!!!! After hanging out the door for 5 minutes trying to catch the receptionists attention I realised that the board kept beeping (our dr's call their next patients using electronic display). I ran out to check & sure enough they were calling little Moo to a room UPSTAIRS... this'll be fun! Neither twin would go up the stairs, my health visitor was coming down the stairs, Lumpy freaked.. big time. I had to take Moo upstairs & dump her in the dr's room, after whinging at her for us being left in the quarantine room she wanted to get going when I explained I needed to collect my little boy from the bottom of stairs as he was screaming his head off. Both the health visitor & the practice nurse were looking at him at the bottom of the stairs having a major meltdown. I just scooped him & carried him upstairs, ignoring the 2 women down there & crying my own eyes out. Great. I sat on the floor of the dr's room hugging my children to calm them down enough for me to hear myself think, or sob, or both. Lumpy gradually calmed & Moo had been given a car to play with. I explained the pox, showed the dr all the relevant red blobs & it was confirmed.... now to get them down the stairs!

Just after arriving home Nanna turned up, minus Grandad... he stayed in the car! The twins had fun opening their gifts & playing with nanna, then Nanna was gone. It was lunch time, actually it was past lunch time by about 20 minutes, the lounge, dining room & kitchen looked like it had been ransacked, the twins wouldn't eat lunch & my afternoon got gradually worse. I can't even write about it any more. All is not lost though, it did improve, some party guests arrived. Another set of twins, my baby god-daughter & her sister, who I'm sure the twins think is actually part of the family that just lives in another house... with their collective Mamma (long story.. another day!).

I was glad when bed time arrived... theirs & mine.

Wednesday: today: Little Moo's spots have doubled & she's really starting to itch now. Lumpy has one little blister spot & not alot else. Both are very demanding attention wise & it's proving quite exhausting. Some lunch was had by the twins but not much. They ate a bit more at tea time & are sleeping quite soundly at the moment.

I spoke to one of my best friends this evening, she's coming over Monday for a visit & I wanted to let her know that the twins may be here rather than nursery due to the pox & she's fine with that. What I didn't expect was her to tell me that her & her DH are splitting up. After many years together & only 18 months of marriage, it's a shame & I'm sad for her. I hope I can give her some sound advice should she request any.

It's only Wednesday, who knows what Thursday & Friday will bring.

I could sit here for hours at the moment, typing aimlessly about the day to day goings on in my life but I'm just too tired. It's so tiring, it's supposed to get easier, everyone says so.... I just wish I knew when.

Horror In The Mirror

Yesterday I witnessed an awful thing.... it was myself in a mirror. It was horrid & makes me feel sick.

I've always battled with weight at different times but have previously reached the stage where I was quite happy. I could shop anywhere, wear anything & felt really happy about being in my own skin. Things started to change when I had my own business. I used to dance twice a week, sometimes three times & sometimes at weekends too, gradually I cut back on the dancing as the business needed more attention & then due to a wierd stalker type person (to be written about at a later date) I stopped going completely. Thats probably when the weight started to creep on, slowly at first, I just wasn't doing the excercise to keep it at bay. The stress of running the business when really took hold, ploughing money in, working 24/7 with little or no break, or reward for that matter, then came the pregnancy. OMG how happy was I, nothing else mattered, I was going to a mummy, have my own little bundle of joy. A proper family. The shocker came at 13 weeks when I had my scan... twins :-) We were shocked, I cried tears of joy & panic all at the same time.

Lumpy & Moo are now 20 months old. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster since they arrived, moving house, learning how to be a parent, dealing with PND & anxiety, wedding, christening.... you name it & we've tried to fit it in!!!! I lost a stone in weight before the wedding, I'd like to have lost more but was happy with the stone. I woulds say though that since then (July 2009) I have put on half of it. Once again I'm gutted. It's the typical dilemma, want to loose weight so badly that I comfort eat to make myself feel better :-(

I've gone back to Weight Watchers since christmas & had a week that went well but I'm just finding it difficult to get the motivation. You'd think by how unhappy it makes me that it's all you need but I don't know, it just doesn't seem to work like that. All I can do is try my best & stick with it as best I can.

I received the latest Wii Fit + for christmas & so far haven't touched it, I just seem to come up with excuses all the time like i'm tired or I'd rather be doing something else. It shouldn't be a chore should it? One of the guys who works with DH has been ill recently & his Dr basically told him his diet is killing him so he's gone all out healthy. I'd like to get DH to drop a few pounds (or stone) too. I can't help but remember walking in our neighbours house & seeing paramedics pumping on his chest to revive him.... he was a big guy too & it scares the life out of me that it could happen. I'm going to do The Race For Life in Southend this year. My aunty is very ill at the moment & yesterday we heard they can do no more for her, it's a matter of days & although it's awful to say it I really hope it's sooner rather than later. She is in immense pain & discomfort so would be a relief for her to be at peace. If I tell myself that loosing weight & being more healthy will keep this awful disease away... do you think it'll help me?? Who knows.

2010 will be my year... I will be more positive, I will be more healthy, I will be thankful for the wonderful family & friends that I am so lucky to have.

NCT.... Friend or Foe?

A friend of mine emailed me a link last week. It's an article referring to a womans experience with her NCT group. I shant go into details but recommend having a read to get a brief insight to my own experience of the NCT.

Daily Mail NCT Article

The lady that emailed this link is a dear friend & she knew I'd find it an interesting read. I think we all have lots of good friends, friends for life, friends to catch up with once in a while & now facebook "friends".... but true friends are few & far between. This friend is truely amazing, she always puts other people first be it family or friends, she is on the end of the phone whenever I have needed help, advice, a chat or a laugh. Her & her husband are godparents to our wonderful twins & I couldn't ask for a better friend :-)

.... oh I forgot to mention....... I met her at NCT!

"Kisses"

Every morning when DH leaves for work he gives me kisses goodbye. As the twins have grown I've encouraged them to "wave goodbye to daddy". To start with it was emotional, there was more crying from the twins than anything else. As time went on they progressed to waving & Lumpy now gives his wave whist saying his version of "bye-bye".

We have a stair gate across our hallway, due to the configuration of the bottom of our stairs there wasn't anywhere else it could go but it works brilliantly, the twins have no access to the stairs or the front door (Until Moo opens the gate but thats a whole different post for a later date!). We reached the stage recently where no matter what time of day it was, if daddy was heading through the stair gate the twins would automatically start waving bye-bye... it didn't seem to matter that daddy was going upstairs to the loo or taking some recycling out.

When the twins & I are at home when daddy finishes work he lets us know when he's close, I'll either have them outside with their reigns or they climb up on the sofa to the window, lift up the net curtains & are glued to the window until they see daddy... at which point lots of smiling & jumping on the sofa happens. At the start of last week we all went through our morning routine of saying goodbye to daddy & without any prompting at all as daddy closed the door Little Moo went charging into the lounge & was up on the sofa & under the curtains before daddy had made it to the front gate, by the end of the week both babies were heading to the sofa when the front door went click... although they don't always make it under the curtain before daddy is half way down the road!

Well this morning the routine took on a whole new twist that was soooo lovely! DH was the appropriate side of the gate getting ready to go, Lumpy & Moo were waving goodbye to daddy. DH leans towards me & says "kisses", as I leant forward to give him kisses we have a Little Moo standing inbetween us looking up making her "Mmmmm" "Mmmmm" noises with her lips pursed for a kiss. Daddy bent down to give her a kiss & Lumpy came over for his (not quite pursed lips & a bit more sloppy), it was the cutest thing ever, I just wanted to scoop them up & give them lots of hugs & cuddles..... but I couldn't..... because they were gone.... straight to the lounge window!

Kisses all around :-)

Supermarket Sweep!

.... it felt like "big sleep" time. Big Sleep is the term that my friend & I refer to as the large nap our children have in the middle of day, big sleep because sometimes there are other mini sleeps maybe in the morning, maybe in the afternoon or maybe not at all. It felt like the twins were upstairs sleeping soundly in the their cots while I had perhaps 1.5-2hrs to get some jobs done, have lunch & sit down for a bit. It felt strange, weird, hard to explain, I felt like I'd lost my purpose, my reason for being. The twins weren't upstairs at all, not even in the house. I needed to go out!

I wasn't going far as it was their first day away from me (& I from them) & none of us had a clue how they would be so I decided to go food shopping!! You may laugh but we've been doing internet shopping since before they were born & to wander around a supermarket without having to do a trolley dash was a rarety indeed.

After the Tesco shop I decided the afternoon would be spent relaxing at home with a bit of stitching, well the stitching never quite happened but after having lunch I started catching up with some of the programmes I had on Sky+ & I remained on the sofa clock watching until it was time to pick the bambinos up. I couldn't wait to see them. I'd miss them, the house was silent without them.

When I arrived at the nursery DD was asleep in a cot, having finally gone to sleep in someone arms at around 14.35, DS however was wide, well not quite wide, awake & showing no signs of being sleepy, although he did appear to be surgically attached to his blankie. We were home in time for tea, bit of playing & then off to bed.

Both babies were sound asleep within 5 minutes & there they stayed for a blissful 12 hours :-)

That was the end of their big adventure...... for this week anyhow!!

The Big Adventure

After a bit of a struggle we managed to get the twins booked into a nursery for the Sept-Dec term. They will only be going one day a week & at the moment we're unsure if we'll be able to have them booked in for the following term but it marks the start of a whole new adventure, for both me & the twins.

I found the morning quite stressful, getting the twins up, breakfast, dressed, making sure they had everything they needed for nursery & then getting out of the house in time to drop them off at 9am. Now usually I see if they need a little nap around the 9am mark so that was out the window as the twins were far more interested in where we were off to at that time of the day!

Everyone that I've spoke to so far has asked me if I found it difficult leaving them & thats a bit of a tough question. I wasn't worried about the leaving them I was more apprehensive that they had everything they needed & that they'd be ok & eat/drink enough. I already knew that DS would scream his head off as he does that when I leave the room or go upstairs. DD tends to be a bit more laid back in these situations & tends to get upset when DS has been screaming for a while or if she wants something, ie food, drink or sleep.

It was strange once I'd left the building (certain that they'd stopped screaming), I sat in the park for a bit & sent a text to friend. It was quiet & still. I decided to buy myself a cake & some rolls at the little bakers before heading home. My mind was busy trying to decide what to do with the day & it settled on going home for a cup of tea & the piece of cake. Once I got home it was even more quiet.......

.... I'll let you know more another day.