Horror In The Mirror

Yesterday I witnessed an awful thing.... it was myself in a mirror. It was horrid & makes me feel sick.

I've always battled with weight at different times but have previously reached the stage where I was quite happy. I could shop anywhere, wear anything & felt really happy about being in my own skin. Things started to change when I had my own business. I used to dance twice a week, sometimes three times & sometimes at weekends too, gradually I cut back on the dancing as the business needed more attention & then due to a wierd stalker type person (to be written about at a later date) I stopped going completely. Thats probably when the weight started to creep on, slowly at first, I just wasn't doing the excercise to keep it at bay. The stress of running the business when really took hold, ploughing money in, working 24/7 with little or no break, or reward for that matter, then came the pregnancy. OMG how happy was I, nothing else mattered, I was going to a mummy, have my own little bundle of joy. A proper family. The shocker came at 13 weeks when I had my scan... twins :-) We were shocked, I cried tears of joy & panic all at the same time.

Lumpy & Moo are now 20 months old. It's been a bit of a rollercoaster since they arrived, moving house, learning how to be a parent, dealing with PND & anxiety, wedding, christening.... you name it & we've tried to fit it in!!!! I lost a stone in weight before the wedding, I'd like to have lost more but was happy with the stone. I woulds say though that since then (July 2009) I have put on half of it. Once again I'm gutted. It's the typical dilemma, want to loose weight so badly that I comfort eat to make myself feel better :-(

I've gone back to Weight Watchers since christmas & had a week that went well but I'm just finding it difficult to get the motivation. You'd think by how unhappy it makes me that it's all you need but I don't know, it just doesn't seem to work like that. All I can do is try my best & stick with it as best I can.

I received the latest Wii Fit + for christmas & so far haven't touched it, I just seem to come up with excuses all the time like i'm tired or I'd rather be doing something else. It shouldn't be a chore should it? One of the guys who works with DH has been ill recently & his Dr basically told him his diet is killing him so he's gone all out healthy. I'd like to get DH to drop a few pounds (or stone) too. I can't help but remember walking in our neighbours house & seeing paramedics pumping on his chest to revive him.... he was a big guy too & it scares the life out of me that it could happen. I'm going to do The Race For Life in Southend this year. My aunty is very ill at the moment & yesterday we heard they can do no more for her, it's a matter of days & although it's awful to say it I really hope it's sooner rather than later. She is in immense pain & discomfort so would be a relief for her to be at peace. If I tell myself that loosing weight & being more healthy will keep this awful disease away... do you think it'll help me?? Who knows.

2010 will be my year... I will be more positive, I will be more healthy, I will be thankful for the wonderful family & friends that I am so lucky to have.